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Post by Curt Canon on Jun 20, 2012 2:10:09 GMT -6
So I havent done this rping thing in about 10 years and I just posted my first one....any and all feedback would be gretly appreciated to help me get back to where I was all those years ago.....Thanks for the criticism.
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Post by "Gentleman" Jim Douglas on Jun 20, 2012 9:28:39 GMT -6
Here goes nothing... - Curt Canon
OK, so I'll be typing and reviewing as I read here, so sorry if it seems a little disjointed. Will try to sum everything up at the end.
First off, a good opening, though watch your grammar - you go a little comma heavy in that first block of text. Don't be afraid to break long sentences up with fullstops/periods. It sets the scene nicely though.
The dialogue between the two guys is decent, though a little forced at times. Try to type dialogue imagining how it would actually be spoken in real life. Getting dialogue as natural as possible can often be a difficult skill to master, even for the best writers.
Also, I'd have liked to have seen a little bit of background to who these characters are. You give us their names, but nothing else. What do they look like? Who actually are they? How do they know each other? Doesn't have to be paragraphs and paragraphs of information, but a few sentences to help the reader to "get into" the scene and imagine everything as clearly as possible.
Honestly, the whole digging up the box thing seems a bit... strange to me. I couldn't understand whether it was a serious task or not. Be as imaginative as possible when thinking about scenes/settings/storylines for your RPs. Maybe think about taking your character(s) out of their comfort zone and exploring how they would react in unfamiliar situations. Also consider having a running storyline which carries on from one week to the next - I find this is a good way of giving myself content to work with, and making sure my RPs don't get too repetitive or boring.
As the RP goes on, the dialogue between the guys improves and there a couple of moments which make you chuckle. Make sure you keep that relationship between these two in future roleplays. For example, don't suddenly have them hating each other at the start of your next RP.
I appreciate I've given you a lot to think about there, and I'd suggest maybe focussing on one of the above points each week. Get that right, then move on to the next point. Keep looking for feedback, keep listening to what people say and most of all, stay positive. You've got a half-decent base, you can tell you've RPed before and you could develop into a very good writer. Don't expect it to happen overnight though. It may take longer than you think, so don't lose heart if you have a couple of bad results.
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Post by Curt Canon on Jun 20, 2012 9:38:32 GMT -6
Well thank you for that sir its exactly what I was looking for . Like I said it has been quite a few years since I did this and I will definatly take into consideration all the points you brought up...
The grammer may be a little tricky though I have never been too good at that, I think they make some kind of checking tool for it though.
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Post by "Gentleman" Jim Douglas on Jun 20, 2012 9:42:04 GMT -6
I find that getting other people to proof-read your work is often the best way. 99% of the time, other people will spot your mistakes a whole lot better than you do. I usually give my RP to at least 2 other people to check before posting. Doesn't take a great deal of time, but it can often be the difference between winning and losing a close match, so it's well worth doing in my opinion.
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Post by The Great One on Jun 20, 2012 20:11:52 GMT -6
moved the thread to the feedback forum.
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Scott Syren
New Member
real men do fake wrestling on the internet
Posts: 33
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Post by Scott Syren on Jun 21, 2012 12:59:53 GMT -6
IMO you are still... how should i put this... better than everybody.
concise, entertaining, to the point. you are basically the Hemingway of insulting fake wrestlers.
i've also been away from the game for a decade-ish, and i worry that a lot of people still belong to the school of thought that the only "fair" way to judge an e-fed is for the owner to just add up the number of lines in every RP, and whoever wrote the most words wins... hopefully that attitude does not creep in here... i can't even finish reading some OOC posts because they are so long winded and rambling, much less a boring, long-winded fictional peice about a fake wrestler I don't care about... i can never imagine myself not finishing a Curt Canon RP though.
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Post by The Great One on Jun 21, 2012 13:51:33 GMT -6
Syren, you should know how we grade sir...
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Scott Syren
New Member
real men do fake wrestling on the internet
Posts: 33
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Post by Scott Syren on Jun 21, 2012 15:05:52 GMT -6
pretty sure the grading rubrik as i remember it divides five possible points across four categories...
1/5: favoritism based on OOC activities
1/5: reserve "spite point" to take away based on OOC activities
2/5: shady backroom OOC deals
1/5: RPs get run through a computer program that utilizes a secret proprietary algorithm developed by the same people who invented ESPN's "Total QB Rating" statistic
i believe the other theory was always, out of one possible point...
1/1: are you secretly the owner/president of the fed? 1 point for yes, 0 for no.
just kidding.
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Post by Night Crawler on Jun 21, 2012 16:26:32 GMT -6
I think we can all forgive a little grammar to be entertained, excellent job Curt!
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Post by The Great One on Jun 21, 2012 16:35:11 GMT -6
you sir are a madman
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Post by Dangerous Dan on Jun 21, 2012 23:05:45 GMT -6
I tried something new. What do ya think? Should I go back to m original way? Or 'transform' Dan?
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