Mini-Roleplay Feedback

[SCW Mystery Co-Owner]

This is for all of us to get better. After you post your roleplay, if you would like your fellow wrestlers to give you some feedback on what they thought was good or bad, post it here. Remember, if you ask and receive, please give feedback aswell

[lancestevens]

I doubt this counted , but any feed back would be awesome !!!!



The scene opens up inside the arena . The sets are still empty , and the crew is still setting up the ring . " Picture Perfect" Lance Stevens is standing at the top of the entrance way , looking around the arena . Emily , as usual, is by his side taking in the sights and sounds of everything going on around them . The SCW cameras begin to climb the rampway until they have Lance and Emily in full frame . Lance takes in a deep breath and begins to speak .

LANCE: " Here we are , just a few days away from the moment I put SCW on the map . Mikey , I heard what you had to say and all I can do is thank you for all the compliments . Arrogent, cocky , full of myself . All the things that make me who I am . While you're worried about doing whatever muck you do in some other place , wrestling for titles or whatever , I'm focused on making a name for myself here in SCW . You also made it a point to mention Emily over here . Yeah , she's easy on the eyes , and tough as hell . Then again when you have a man like me , you need a little eye candy to get the attention of the morons who dwell in their parents basement , drinking case after case of Mountain Dew and playing ' World Of Warcraft' for hours on end . Yet, another boring video game . Mikey , Mike , Maybe you should just forget about the match this week and go worry about what ever it was you were yammering on about . In fact , after the first five seconds of your promo , I got bored and started watching a little 'Scooby Doo ' . Atleast with ' Scooby" the mystery is harded to solve then the way I need to figure out how to beat you . Mike , you know you don't have a chance against me . I am ' Picture Perfect ' in every way , and you , well you're even good enough to lace my boots . "[/color


The ring crew has finished setting up the ring and Lance and Emily begin to head down the ramp . Lance takes a second to look it over then climbs the steps and enters . He walks into the center of the ring and looks back into the camera .


LANCE: " This is the spot . The spot where I put you on your back and I make The Point that you just don't want to hear . That's right, Mike . I'm pointing to the fence and I'm calling my shot . This the place that I'm going to take you out and move on to much bigger and better things . Then you can go back to whatever A/V club run company you think you have a chance at being a contender at and sink back to the middle . I could walk in there right now and take whatever I want , but it would be a waste of my time . This here , SCW, this is the big time . This is the place you want to be if you want to be a star , and buddy , there is no star burning brighter right now then mine ! You tried to mock my own catch phrase , in the end you just looked like the jealous one who didn't think of it first . Mike Crisis , all I can say at this point is Crisis Averted . I will make you look up at the lights and begin my quest for the SCW title . You , you'll just be a forgotten after thought . "

The scene ends with Lance smirking into the camera

Read more: superiorwrestlingfed.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rp1&action=display&thread=31&page=1#ixzz1xGqfkMhE

[accelerator]

Lance,

I think there's definitely potential there, as you can clearly paint a picture of what's going on. I also like the insulting of the fans, which tells me more about your character.

One thing to watch out for is having an "arena" roleplay, as they're on the "Top 3 Least Liked Roleplay Types", along with "House Show" and "Gym" posts. I'm sure that factored into the grading of your match. The judges of your roleplay are looking for something original, something that stands out to them. Standing in an empty arena is something I'm sure they've seen a million times before. For roleplays, I always tried to think of creative locations first, and put together storylines from there, to draw the readers in. Visit landmarks, go to theme parks, do something that can add to your creativity scores.

The only other tip I'd mention is putting your roleplay into Microsoft Word or something similar and do a spell-check. I don't know how these guys are grading, but I always took off a point or two if I saw multiple spelling mistakes. Stuff like "the mystery is harded to solve" stands out to me (but then, I'm the son of two teachers, so it might just be me *lol*).

As I said, there's a lot of potential here, as you have a great deal of talent to work with. Just expand upon it, keep roleplaying, and I think you could be a big star here.

Ok, that's my lecture for the day, now back to work. Peace.