TXO
Junior Member
The Xquizite One
Posts: 65
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Post by TXO on Jun 12, 2012 9:12:42 GMT -6
I want to know where I need to improve with the writing. The character will improve with each rp. Also would like to know what you guys/gals did and didn't like about the rp.
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Post by Night Crawler on Jun 12, 2012 12:46:03 GMT -6
I read it.
First-person perspective, interesting choice. Unconventional and original, which means I approve! I thought your character presented himself very well, his personality was very strong. That's good. And of course the presentation is top notch.
The only thing I could really come up with to help you improve would be that the wording seems just a bit dry. Some more colorful vocabulary would spice it up very nicely. At least that's how it seemed to me.
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TXO
Junior Member
The Xquizite One
Posts: 65
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Post by TXO on Jun 12, 2012 13:25:08 GMT -6
Some more colorful vocabulary would spice it up very nicely. At least that's how it seemed to me. care to be elaborate on that a bit more there Night? |
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Post by Night Crawler on Jun 12, 2012 14:05:19 GMT -6
The language, you know, the actual words you use. They seem a bit a-typical. For example:
"were the first words heard as the scene started to fade in slowly from black"
That sounds a bit dry to me. "looms partially into view" sounds more organic to me, the words invoce a certain imagry that the ones you used lack.
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